jAcKAls KoRNeR

I recently watched Steven Universe, or specifically finished the series. I had previously only seen some episodes years ago when it initially released, but just never completed it for some reason. Anyways, binge watched it with my special someone and it was a wonderful experience. I physically recoiled and reacted and yelped at certain scenes that dealt with emotional situations that I myself experienced. That's the immediate praise I want to give this show, the emotional scenes that I can relate to hit... they hit HARD. I'm not going to go deep into it since I don't think I should vent that hard on my blog, but scenes involving Connie and her mom, Ruby in the pool at the motel, Sadie with her mom at the event where she initially was going to perform her pop song. I can't remember other specific moments off the top of my head but I did have at least 6 solid physical reactions to emotional scenes.

The plot itself was very well written, character development, and the dialogue was very mature when it came to emotional scenes. Again, this show writes emotions very well, and I love the love in this show. All the relationships are beautiful, biggest example being Garnet of course. Fusion itself also being a main thing, ughhhhhhhhhh (good groan) yeah this show does love well, in fact I'd say one of the only shows I think that writes different kinds of love perfectly/near perfectly.

As for the art style I'll focus on the background art first because gahdayum the backgrounds, sets, architecture, environments, anything and everything not character related was drawn beautifully. So many opportunities for wallpapers! Lot's of beautiful gradients, vector shapes, and excellent terrain. All I need.

As for character's themselves. All well designed, but my personal favorites are Garnet, Peridot, Steven, and Sadie... which is most of the main characters. Love em tho! Garnet's voice is amazing along with their backstory. Peridot, well, she just like me frfr. Steven of course being the main character has a lot of development as he matured. Sadie reminds me a lot of my best friend. Yeaurppp that's pretty much it. If you wanted a deep analysis of the entire show this blog is not for that XD, go read the wiki. Really great show, highly recommend it. OH and also the soundtrack (instrumentals and main songs) are absolutely fantastic. I have a bunch of them in my Spotify playlists and likes. Speaking of which I have to organize my Spotify again... argh.

So I've always enjoyed RPG's since... well ever. Especially with my passion for Dark Souls since 2017. I never really got into physical TTRPG's even like DnD. I love the idea of DnD and the possibility it brings, but I could never find myself actually sitting down consistently for sessions. It's too large of a commitment, and other TTRPG's didn't interest me.

So lucky for me when months ago I decided to create a physical replica and homebrew version of Inscryption

https://youtu.be/tZmOeZ6oGRM?si=kRn3DXHsp-QIQmKr

(Seen above)

I have tried multiple sessions of it, creating a new adventure every time! Since then I've grown ever more fond of TTRPG's and the unique joy that only they can bring. I grew fond of roleplaying as the antagonist, or story teller, or mix of both. It's a lot of fun! I've introduced ideas from DnD like decision making and communication events into Inscryption that you otherwise wouldn't get from the digital copy.

Anyways now I recently purchased Baldurs Gate III and I have been LOVING it! So much to do, to say, so many things to interact with. It's the closest to a TTRPG experience I could get in digital format!

Urmm yeah that's all I gotta say. Fantasy and medieval stuff rocks :D

So further continuing with how I feel about being identified in different ways. Today I went to a gas station to pick up some things for my best friend. While in there I was wearing my Axolotyl beanie my friend got me for chrimas. My earrings, round glasses, and unisex clothing leaning towards a slightly more fem look, not a lot but I clearly was not attempting to look masculine in any way.

I go up to the worker and they say "How is your day sir." And my immediate thoughts after were "Whoa okay haha buddy alright you can call me sir once." Then after I say my days good Sir." And that hit me. I don't know how to explain my specific disturbance. It was the flood of a weird feeling. I thought to myself that I'm not presenting as a woman so I can't tell them to referr to me as not sir, nor nonbinary because I doubt they would even know what I was talking about. I also began to think if it even was worth informing them I didn't want to be called sir as it was just a quick interraction that I wouldn't have again with them. I know they're doing it out of respect, since they're obviously under the assumption that I am a man. So they refer to me as such.

However I still didn't like it. I just had to accept it in the moment. I was called sir 6 times throughout that interaction. Now I'm not traumatized or anything, I'm fine mostly. They didn't do anything wrong. Again I just felt... like I wish everyone just knew what I preferred or felt like. But I know the world doesn't work like that, I just wish it did.

The worst part is I don't know what I would have preferred more. For them to refer to me as nothing, no mentions of masc pronouns, or preference for fem pronouns, or simply would just prefer to have me referenced as "you". "You have a good day." "Would you like a bag." "How was your day?" No sir. No sir. I am not a sir...

Every day more and more I wish I was born a woman. Not to become one, but to have just been one. I wish I lived in the beauty of a woman's world. There's a certain love that women have and show to each other, it's something I am slowly over months getting to be more and more part of. It is beautiful, such a beauty of empathy I've never been able to experience before. I could never go back to a man's world, It's not the same. I don't feel like myself. But again I also am not ready to jump into such a confusing world of seeing myself as a woman who always was. So I stick to a general nonbinary title, as it best suits me. I'm not a man, but I don't mind he/him. I'm not a woman, although I would love to be seen as she/her without a question... unfortunately some people will only respect you unless you "pass". I fit best somewhere in the middle. But even then I want to be somewhere else. This world is very judgemental. I'll hang safely within the comfort of my friends. Not even my own brain can make me feel safe.

So this is just a follow up of my previous post. Currently listening to Ww by Other Nothing, I really enjoy listening to a certain genre of ambient music that resembles Silent Hill's atmosphere as it perfectly... or near perfectly helps me express how I feel. It's a certain empty emotion I cannot express in words, so I let music do the talking.

Anyways back on topic. I've felt better having He/They/She as my pronouns. As I stated previously I don't really like seeing myself as a "man" despite me being indifferent to Him/Masc expressions. Although that has changed recently. I've stated previously that I don't really see myself as a woman, nor do I think I ever truly could be one. As I feel like a fraud if I were to transition (A whole nother can of personal worms that I'm not gonna talk about), and also I'm not ready for such a drastic change, whether physical or simply in the way I choose to identify. However a recent experience has led me to some more self discovery.

I went roller skating with my best friend who is a cis woman. And she let me borrow some of her clothes, a skirt, a vest, and some fishnets. The rest was from my own wardrobe. I felt... myself in them. It was refreshing to finally be able to dress the way I wanted to.

I don't want to be referred to as a femboy, nor as crossdressing. I hate that, for myself. Femboy is an objectifying term to me, and I don't want to be seen that way. Crossdressing I am a man who's supposed to be dressed in men's clothes, but I am pretending to be a woman in women's clothing. It's an awful term and makes me feel off, I don't like it. Again because I don't want to be seen as man.

When I am wearing more feminine clothing, that is it. I am simply wearing more feminine clothing. I am not a man, I am not a woman, I am simply wearing clothes.

However further gender confusion proceeds. As during the entire night, and when I got home, I felt like a real woman. I was holding my best friends hand most of the time since they had some difficulty keeping their balance, and throughout every moment I held her hand I understood.

I would tease the girls at school when I was a kid with my old friend. We'd call them lesbians because they held hands and thought it was weird. But now I get it, the support women have for eachother is something I never understood nor even had an oppurtinity to understand when I was younger, until now. I've always chosen to play as female characters in my games, since I was a kid in Black Ops 2 zombies as Misty. And my nicest friends through highschool to now were all women. There's a special type of friendship that I've only experience with queer afab/nonbinary people. It's something special and beautiful to me. I know part of it is the struggles we've faced due to bullying for our identity. And again I am partly of fault of that as a child, I teased others for the reasons that I would also be later on. But it never ends.

At that night when I was dressed more fem with my friend. I was bullied, I was called slurs, and had my drink thrown away by someone when I wasn't looking. However I wasn't upset, because I was so over ecstatic and at peace with the fact that I felt like a real woman for that night, I felt the beauty of a woman to woman friendship that I was so lucky to have. It's something I could have never thought to ask for, but I have it.

I feel my truest self in feminine/unisex clothing. It's unfortunate I live in a world where I am hated for simply trying live as myself. However the few people in my life that accept me, are beyond anything I could ever have dreamed of.

I've considered switching my pronouns around from he/they/she to they/she/he. Again I don't mind masc pronouns and expressions, however I won't deny I prefer more fem slang and expressions. Life is an interesting thing, I am almost 22... that's okay.

I'm listening to the SH2 soundtrack as I type this. I have a fondness for it as many of the tracks perfectly sound how I feel at times of confusion as I fight my own thoughts. As in times where I know a certain emotion I'm feeling is wrong, or unnecessary, and I realize it's dumb, but my body tries its hardest to make me feel that way no matter how hard I understand I don't really feel that way. I constantly have fights with my body and brain. Where I think one way, but my brain and body makes me feel another, why? I'm not exactly sure. I hate it, it's confusing.

Anyways gender. Where I am at right now I'm comfortable with he/him/they/them as I try sometimes to dress more unisex, or to hide my masculine features that would make someone look at me and say "that's a man". I don't want to be seen as a man, but I'm fine with being seen as a guy. I'm not sure how to phrase it perfectly. I don't find he/him pronouns uncomfortable, I like them, but I don't want to be seen as a man. Nor do I want to be seen as a woman for the most part. A part of me wishes I was born a woman, and to live through the afab experience growing up. Not because I think my life would be perfect. Women suffer their own ordeal of issues whether societal or just bodily functions. However growing up queer and myself just being more flamboyant/overly expressive/more comfortable in my femininity in the way I like/wish to dress and behave. I always just got along better with women, they made me feel safer to be myself, more comfortable. And yet I can never grow with them the way I wish I could have, as I was born a man. (I know just because I was born male there was nothing physical preventing me from hanging out with girls and women) It's just myself growing up in early teens, I would just end up sticking with mostly men as I had more hobbies related with them, but personalities didn't always mesh. As many of the men I hung out with weren't very accepting as women were of my personality and expression. Every year though I did always have at least one or two afab friends and I have nearly no poor experiences with them, they were wonderful to be with.

Right now I'm very greatful for my queer friends, and my bestfriend herself for letting me feel like the person/woman I wish I was, or at least what I think of what I would be. Again, really confusing topic and answers. I self contradict because I don't really "feel" like a woman, so right now I stick to a more unisex fashion approach when I feel like dressing up. As I am more comfortable with he/him/they/them pronouns, however I absolutely feel great when I receive more feminine compliments such as pretty, slay, girl, similar slang, etc.

This rant isn't really going anywhere, again my mind is always busy with things to do, say, and feel. As I've been saying for years, I don't think I'll ever be happy with my body, because knowing I wasn't born a woman and can never easily be one without suffering even more harsh criticism from the world I live in. I look in the mirror and see someone, it's me, but I don't feel like it is. If I'm not dressed up, and I'm just in sweatpants and a shirt I see me, a man, but I look at my eyes and I see a person. I think my eyes are my best visual asset. When I dress nicely though in my punk, black, or brown soft thrifted fits I feel more like myself. Mostly because I'm expressing myself and of course I feel closer to my true self when I dress how I want, and I feel more satisfied with who I am then. It helps me feel more like the person I was born to be. So its the perfect middle ground between wishing I was afab, and distancing myself from my "man" identity I've always been seen as. Again it's weird because I don't mind he/him pronouns, like at all, I feel indifference to them. Just however being labelled a man sucks.

Why don't I just switch to she/her pronouns if I want to feel like a woman so bad? Well it's not that easy, again I don't feel like a woman, even though I wish I was born as one, and even if I favor feminine compliments, and fashion, and everything. Just calling myself a woman, or even identifying as one also doesn't feel right... life is confusing, there's so many things to worry about in life, and just having to struggle with my own self about how I see myself makes every day a challenge.

I'm still listening to the soundtrack as I type this, currently on the track "Betrayal - Akira Yamaoka"

The closest I've felt to feeling like a real woman was when I had my full black outfit, leather trench coat, turtleneck shirt, dress pants, platform high boots, beanie, round glasses, black gloves, and my moon earrings. Along with my simple makeup that's just concealer and a bronzer and lip balm which made my lips shinier. Mind you my clothes were (mostly) all from the male section (not that I care about where my clothes are from, as I own pants and shirts from any gendered section) but I say that as a point that despite me wearing "men's" clothing I could still feel like a woman. Mostly because my body was hidden from the outside, the only thing that showed I could be a man was my face. It's one of my favorite outfits I personally put together. Fashion has become another outlet for creativity to me, but that's a topic for another day.

TLDR: I don't know how to feel about my identity. I wish I was born different. Life is co